Monday Musings

"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks."

                                                H. Allen Smith (Writer 1906-1976)

This would have been Sunday coffee but a good chunk of my Sunday was spent in the ER turning this into a Monday offering.

I put the cane away about a week ago and I’m finally walking without support.  That’s not to say that I’m walking well.  Stairs are something of a problem, I’m not moving very quickly and that spring in my step is sometimes a limp.  Something like the Dennis Weaver character, Chester Goode in the old TV series Gunsmoke.  Gunsmoke was not only one of TV’s all-time greatest westerns it was one of the greatest series of any genre.  I was a loyal viewer for most of its 20 year run. Chester was one of the original characters along with Doc Adams, Miss Kitty and of course Marshall Dillon. Chester gave way to Festus Haggen, Doc Adams was replaced when actor Milburn Stone’s health went south and then in 1975 the show ended and I was heartbroken.  I don’t imagine that we’ll ever see a western TV series ever again.  It’s a genre that’s lost popularity and I wouldn’t doubt much of that loss is due to westerns somehow not being PC.  There was HBO’s Deadwood but I never could warm up to that show.  The profanity in Deadwood was not only a gratuitous turn-off it wasn’t even authentic.  If you’re going to go to lengths to try for some authenticity in the nuances at least get the dialog right.  

Football season has started and while I enjoy watching it, the gridiron sport does come with some baggage.

                Let’s consider the pre-game shows.  The cast usually consists of former coaches and players and a broadcaster who acts as moderator.  The problem is there’s no moderation.  There’s a lot of shouting, arguing, frenzied waving of arms and if Bill Cowher or Mike Ditka are involved, flying spit.  They speak in tongues, arguing about the pros and cons of the sluggo, max protect, cover two, cover three, Tampa two and tea for two and two for tea.  I suppose that there are some viewers who know what the hell these guys are talking about but my sense is most viewers are hearing something along the lines of, absentem laedit cum ebrio qui litigat or Ich habe mich verlaufen!  The latter phrase actually means, “I’m lost,” which is how I feel sometimes when I hear all that football jargon; and I consider myself to be somewhat football savvy.

                One of the silliest segments of the pre-game show is when the cast, all wearing nice suits, strolls out to a mini football field on the set to demonstrate a play or a technique.  Do these fellows not feel as ridiculous as they look, walking through a bunch of motions that to the viewer demonstrates something along the lines of, Ich habe mich verlaufen?

                One of these days I’m going to hurl when I hear a commentator describing a linebacker as a “warrior,” “going to war” with his teammates.  These guys play football; Pat Tillman went to war and with tragic consequences.

                In the absurd expectations department there’s the play where a receiver stretches out for a pass that just grazes his fingers while he’s creamed by a strong safety and fails to make the catch.  Play by play guy, “That ball looked pretty catachable”; color commentator, “Yeah Dick, he’s paid to make those plays.  He really let his quarterback down.”  Seriously, I’m glad neither of these guys is my boss.

                Tune in to ESPN radio some Saturday morning and catch the football handicappers.  They have the charm of a strip club barker, the subtlety of monster truck show ad and the trustworthiness of a congressman.  These shows do serve one useful purpose and that is they demonstrate the number one, main reason for football’s popularity; gambling.

                Is it at all possible for commentators to simply say, NFL instead of always saying National Football League; “It’s tough to be a rookie return man in The National Football League.”

                And finally there is the national anthem.  Not the anthem itself but the butchery it’s subjected to by pop stars who either get the words wrong (c’mon even school kids know the words) or try to stylize the tune.  Maybe it’s just me but I find that 19^th century tunes don’t lend themselves well to 21^st century stylization. Just have some respect and leave it the way it was meant to be.

There are some definite plusses to football season.

 I enjoy a Sunday when my son is visiting and we cook up some dogs and spend the afternoon watching the game together.   

It signifies a change of the seasons to autumn and I do love autumn.  Just this weekend we saw some of the signs of autumn’s onset; the local “pumpkin patch” is taking shape, Orchard Supply Hardware has the Halloween decorations out and taking a drive past a nearby farm some horses were grazing in the autumn haze under some trees festooned with orange leaves. 

Football reminds me of one of the things on my sports bucket list; attending a game in the Midwest preferably at Notre Dame.

And then there’s the game itself.  While I prefer baseball and its subtlety I do enjoy football.

Speaking of anthems, and I’ll probably get labeled a Communist bastard for saying this but to me the old Soviet National Anthem is the best of the anthems.  If you want to get the masses to shoulder rifles for the motherland play a few bars of the Soviet Anthem.  Da comrade, give me ration of vodka, few rounds of ammo and send me to Stalingrad where I’ll hold off enemy to the death.

With the return of mobility I imagine the consensus among those who know me is that I’ll be running within a couple of months.  Don’t bet on it though.  For some reason it’s lost some of its allure and I’m not sure that I’ll ever run another step again.  I need to take something up and that might just be….

Archery.  That’s right.  It’s something that I did back in my early twenties.  My then girlfriend Denise had to take a PE class for her college general ed. requirements and she took an archery class. 

Now let me digress for a moment.  PE as a general ed. requirement?  Yes at one time phys. ed. units were a requirement but in keeping with the fattening of America, no more.  In fact, a quick perusal of the S.F. State and San Jose State catalogs revealed that phys. ed. isn’t even offered.  About the closest I could find was dance.  Was P.E. a victim of budget cuts or was it determined at some point that it’s passé?

Yes, Denise took an archery class.  There was an actual range set up on one of the athletic practice fields; hay bales at the base of a hill.  She could have had her pick of any number of different P.E. offerings in those days but now, nothing; literally.  So she got into archery, went out and bought a bow and I went out and bought two on for target shooting and one for hunting.  The plan was to take up bow hunting and I went on a trial hunt one year with my relatives from Utah.  While I didn’t hunt because I didn’t possess a deer tag I did tag along during the hunts.  There was a certain excitement in stalking and trying to get close enough for a shot.  It is definitely more sporting than using a high powered rifle with a scope. Turned out hunting appealed to me about as much as the meal of deer liver we had during the trip.  I can get the same adrenalin rush and challenge trying to get a shot with a camera and let Bambi live another day.

            So on Saturday I found an archery shop complete with a range.  The owner of the place admired my old recurve bow and gave it his blessing that it’s in good shape.  In the next couple of weeks I’ll get outfitted with some arrows and see if I can hit a wall; then I can try to hit a target again.

After attending the barbecue cook off in Reno this year I asked my son, “What’s next up?  The air races?”  We agreed that it might be a plan.  Now, after the tragic events at this year’s event, maybe not so much.  There may not be an air race to go to as some officials are considering cancelling the event for good.  I won’t try to speak to the pros and cons of cancelling the air races but I can comment on some of the early opposition to cancelling the event.  The worn out comparison with traffic accidents has made an early appearance in the comments sections of news stories about the crash.  One fellow writes, “There are 100's if not 1000's airshows and air races with out incident. How many people die in cars over the weekend.”  It’s an argument completely without merit and it’s a close relative to the argument against gun control that says if we’re going to ban something because of fatalities we should then consider banning cars.  One clever fellow on Yahoo whose reach clearly exceeded his grasp opined, “According to the Center for Disease Control, more people die from dog bites than die at air shows. Shall we ban dog ownership?  I’m wondering if the Reno Chamber of Commerce will, down the road, complain that banning the races will cost the city millions of dollars.

Yeah it’s Monday and it’s during the one time of the year when you almost look forward to Monday.  The football fans all look forward to flaunting their expert opinions about the previous day’s games.  Of course some of that expertise was gleaned from listening to a retired coach on ESPN radio on the morning ride to work and then memorized to impress the guys; “Did you see that one play where the offense ran the sluggo against the Tampa two and blah, blah, blah, absentem laedit cum ebrio qui litigat.”

Happy Monday.  One down, four to go.