Life is Not Fair

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

~  Suicide is Painless (M*A*S*H Theme).  Music by Johnny Mandel, Lyrics by Mike Altman

"Life is not fair; get used to it."
~  Bill Gates

"The world is not fair and often fools, cowards, and the selfish hide in high places."
~  Bryant H. McGill; Author and poet.

Within the short space of a week I was reminded more than once that life is not fair. They came of course by way of that universally respected organ of philosophic discussion; Facebook.  

One was a debate about 49er quarterbacks.  I’d expressed displeasure over Alex Smith, the starting quarterback apparently losing his job because his understudy had performed well the week before while Smith sat out with a concussion.  My contention was that Smith had been playing well over the course of the season and done nothing to lose his status as the starting player.  There was an exchange of opinions over the merits of one player over the other with one poster punctuating his comment with, “Life’s not fair.”

A few days later a friend posted a commencement address made (allegedly) by Bill Gates in which he listed 11 things that they don’t teach you in high school.  Rule number one on the list of Gatesian sagacity was; “Life is not fair – get used to it.”  Ouch. 

Let me make it clear, these weren’t the first times I’ve come across that pearl, “Life’s not fair.”   You hear it all the time.  At times its glib bullshit – something to say when you’ve really nothing more of any substance to add to the conversation.  Other times it’s used as Gates intended; a sort of hardnosed, Darwinian, tough love approach to survival in this veil of tears.

This may come as a surprise to those who view me as a “glass half empty” sort but I don’t necessarily agree with the notion that LIFE isn’t fair.  Let’s start with Webster, who defines life as the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual (there are actually a number of definitions but this is the one that best suits our needs here).    When we reflect on experiences that we call unfair how often were they not so much experiences that were in and of themselves unpleasant (unfair) as they were the effects of bad or unfair behavior by others.  LIFE wasn’t the culprit in Alex Smith’s misfortune; it was his coach’s decision making (whether it was correct or not).  And let’s face it, when it comes to the business of professional sports, and make no mistake it is first and foremost a business, fairness is rarely a consideration. 

When we talk about the overarching LIFE being unfair, aren’t we (or shouldn’t we be) often talking about those events that stem from the actions of jerks, fools, the greedy, the envious, the power hungry and other ne' er-do-wells?  (See McGill's epigraph at the top of this post).   Was life unfair to me just recently when I found that my credit card number had been stolen and the culprit had gone on a shopping spree?  LIFE had nothing to do with it.  My inconvenience was the result of the actions of a common criminal.  Yet someone might have responded to my complaint with an off the cuff, “Life’s not fair.”  I guess that’s supposed to be a high brow way of saying, “Sucks for you.” 

But what about a perfectly decent family; two hardworking parents and a couple of well-behaved children who live beneath the poverty line.  Try as they might they can’t seem to catch a break and the family can only soldier bravely on trying to make a go.  Is life being unfair?  Or are they victims of a society that has set up a decidedly tilted playing field?     

My wife and I were talking about this.  Cora said that life is always unfair and, rather stunned by her broad characterization, I asked how so.  She went on to describe how people always act unfairly to which I offered the idea that she was describing people behaving badly; not life dealing a bad hand.  She agreed with my point and asked if I was talking about things like accidents. I pointed out that accidents don’t work as they usually occur due to some form of human negligence; for instance a traffic accident can be caused by drinking and driving; texting and driving or speeding.  In fact a car accident can be caused by a human error not even associated with the act of driving.  Some years ago a woman was driving on the San Mateo Bridge when a section of rebar that wasn’t tied down properly fell off of the truck in front of her car.  The steel rod went through the floorboard of the woman’s car and impaled her, killing her instantly.  Since the act of driving didn’t cause the bar to fly off the truck then the driver wasn’t responsible.  Or was he?   It may have been his duty to be sure that the load was secured.  On hearing this story most people would say, “Geeze, when your time is up; it’s up,” as if LIFE’s capriciousness arranged the woman’s death; “Life is not fair.” 

As I drove to work past some eucalyptus trees in a storm one morning, it occurred to me that there are indeed many accidents that define the unfairness of life; like a eucalyptus tree blowing over in a wind storm and flattening an unsuspecting driver.  A litigious lawyer might argue that it wasn’t life that was unfair but the city for not removing old, shallow rooted trees.  Life’s apparent unfairness can be the stuff of lawsuits. 

At the risk of taking on the greatness that is Bill Gates, I have to disagree with his Rule Number One.  His statement that life isn’t fair serves to give the young people whom he was addressing the excuse that when something goes wrong its just life’s bad roll of the dice.  It also ignores the obvious advice that what we really need to do is to become aware of the faults in human nature.  In the areas of getting that post-graduation job, functioning in the workplace and going about the daily business of living, which is likely what Gates was addressing, we need to realize that others don’t always have our best interests in mind.  The workplace abounds with opportunities to apply fairness and sadly, more often, unfairness.  Jealousy, backstabbing, office politics; taking credit for a well done job that you didn’t do or deflecting blame for the project you botched.  

I think I can safely say that Gates isn't the first titan to characterize life as unfair.  I think I can also be safe in saying that those individuals likely used a fair amount of Darwinism, Machiavellianism and other forms of skull skulduggery to help get them where they are (Again, see McGill's epigraph at the top of this post). There's nothing like a glib, "life's not fair" to make a bit of knavery acceptable.  In some circles it's considered the American way. 

I’m not saying that life gets a free pass.  It seemed grossly unfair when my brother-in-law died at a too young age of colon cancer.  He didn’t do anything to deserve that fate.  He was the loving father of a nine year old boy when he passed away; a devoted husband and good provider.  He was a good, decent, honest, God fearing man who lived a clean life, minded his own business, saw the best in people and always had a smile and a good word. 

It seemed equally unfair to my dad when he started showing signs of dementia in his early sixties.  He was a rational, well-read man who educated himself in writing and upper level math skills such as calculus.  He had impeccable communication skills until the time that he couldn’t put a coherent thought together and to add insult to injury along with a touch of cruelty he knew that his faculties were diminishing and yet could do nothing about it.  And not only was Dad not a God fearing man like Albert, he was in fact an atheist who had a healthy contempt for religion.

In both cases some folks were petitioning God for intercession while others were “thinking good thoughts,” which I suppose is the atheists version of prayer.  I imagine my brother-in-law would have appreciated the prayers; my dad, well, not so much.  Yet the intercession of prayer and good thoughts didn’t work in either case.  In the end the good thoughts folks just said that life isn’t fair and those that prayed said that it was God’s will.  They seem the same to me until you consider the win-win situation that God is granted; if the patient is cured and lives then hallelujah, God is good; but if the patient succumbs it was God’s will and mercy in bringing the deceased to heaven. 

My wife considers herself to be a good Christian.  She believes in prayer and often expresses the belief in God’s will and in things happening for a reason.   Given that, how could she make the statement that life is always unfair?  If events, both good and bad are in the end the result of God’s will and God, as she believes is good, then there can be no unfairness in life because a good and loving God cannot at the same time be unfair.

I’ve always hated the notion of accepting the tragedies of life as God’s will and as someone who does believe in God Its created quite a dilemma.  I’ve believed in God as being good and loving and I’ve railed at the notion of God’s will.  And yet when my daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 12 I found myself faced with a troubling contradiction.  When it was suggested to me that it was God’s will I bristled - it can't be God's will.  Yet at a later, solitary moment I found myself cursing God and thus by onerous default accepting the idea that my daughter’s plight was indeed God’s will.  Like Forrest Gump’s, Lt. Dan who perched on a shrimp boat mast shaking a fist at God in the midst of a hurricane I screamed at the sky challenging God, “Take on someone your own size.  Come after me if you’ve got the guts.”

I'm still living in an unsettling contradiction.  I've thought that at it's core my belief in God was in line with the Deists; believing that a creator formed the basic ingredients of the world and then let the laws of nature, science, reason and evolution take over.  Yet when confronted by my wife’s bouts with cancer, clearly examples of life’s unfairness, I found myself praying for intercession, something that I've always had my doubts about and flies in the face of Deism; God doesn’t get involved in the minutiae of life’s unfairness and he certainly doesn’t micromanage the unfair and bad behavior of people that we often blame on life.    

Why is life unfair?  In the sense that unfairness is caused by life’s dicks the answer is easy; people can be dicks.  But what about those instances when clearly life’s capriciousness has been less than just?  If you read this far thinking that there would be an answer you’re going to find yourself disappointed.  Philosophers have struggled with this question since the time of the Greeks.  I wish I had the answer; then I might be as rich as Bill Gates.  But I do have an answer for Bill Gates.  While I genuflect to your greatness I don’t really believe that life as a rule, be it rule number one or rule number eleven, is unfair.  And on those occasions that it is unfair it is not something that we should get used to which is tantamount to acceptance.  Our instinct for survival compels us to overcome unfairness directed at us and our humanity should inspire us to assuage unfairness directed at others. 

I like to think that life is all in all a good thing.  I'm often put off by the occasional Facebook comment describing a petty inconvenience and ending with FML (Fuck my life).  It's usually not that bad and even when it is we fight to turn the tide.  I'm reminded of a young man who's posts were often peppered with FML.  He became quite ill - life threateningly ill.  He fought back and is now living a healthy life.  And I've noted that FML has been removed from his vocabulary.