Lance and Fair Play

“I’m deeply sorry for what I did.” ~ Lance Armstrong.

“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone..”  ~ Book of John; Chapter 8.

Let’s make one thing clear from the start; I loathe drug cheats in sports.  And that’s both ironic and understandable because three of my favorite sports, baseball, cycling and track and field, have made as many headlines about doping as they have about competition. 

During the years of the steroid era, once it became clear that prodigious homeruns and stats as bloated as the muscle bound players came out of a syringe, I boycotted the sport.  With track and field you never know what you’re going to get and this has been the case since the Eastern Block nations made doping a state policy.  And finally there’s cycling; a veritable drug drenched train wreck of a sport.   

I loathe drug cheats because they are just that; cheats.  And as awe inspiring as their feats can be they are after all, simply frauds; products of cocktails and clandestine schemes that have the sole purpose of gaining an illegal advantage.  Drug cheats are selfish.  They disrespect their competitors, the fans and their sports.  In fact they hold themselves to be larger than the sports they claim to love.  Consider that Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds turned the homerun records into a mockery.  Drug cheats create a tilted playing field that can compel athletes who would otherwise play by the rules to become cheats themselves if they want to be competitive or simply remain viable participants.  Players on the fence are presented with a moral dilemma not only over cheating but of putting their own health at risk.  Which brings me to what really makes me loathe drug cheats.  They present a model of behavior that puts other younger athletes at risk (And yes Charles Barkley despite your disclaimer you were a role model; like it or not.   It goes with the territory.).  Eight years ago, while Barry Bonds was wreaking havoc on the sport of baseball I read the story of a young ballplayer named Rob Garibaldi; a young man with a promising future who turned to steroids.  The end of his story came when he sat in a car around the corner from his home, “plagued by depression, rage and delusional behavior,” alone with his demons.  Twenty one years old, he shot himself with a .357 magnum. And 8 years later I still carry the story in my memory.

And then there is Lance.  We were captivated by his story of the cancer survivor turned seven time Tour de France winner.  But it was a story dogged for years by doping suspicions which we now know were true.  I was an unquestioning fan.  Every July I would get up early and watch as much of the Tour as I could until it was time to go to work.  In the evenings I would watch the recap.  I believed in Lance; defended him.  When someone questioned his authenticity I reasoned that someone who successfully fought off cancer would never risk the dangers of performance enhancing drugs (PEDs).  Local sports talk show host Tom Tolbert often repeated the question, “How could the only clean rider in the world’s dirtiest sport be the most dominant?”  It was a troubling question that I chose to answer with the belief that Lance just trained harder.  As Armstrong’s victories piled up I allowed myself to become deaf to the accusations.  In the end I was hoodwinked.  But not by Lance.  By believing in an athletic feat that Armstrong himself conceded, would be impossible without PEDs I had bamboozled myself.  In recent years as Armstrong’s defense unraveled my confidence unraveled with it.  And in the end came Oprah.

I anticipated the interview with a cynical, seething, anger.  There was no question that I would write a post about the interview and days before I was already loaded for bear with the fallen “hero” squarely in my sights.  It was going to be another of those “I’m sorry that I got caught,” speeches.  And then in the first minute Armstrong owned up to everything; blood doping, EPO, testosterone, HGH and cheating in his seven Tour victories.  He later owned up to being a “bully” and a “jerk.”  Throughout the entire interview he accepted full responsibility for his actions.  He admitted that he has tried with limited to poor success to reach out to those that he personally hurt.  In what appeared to be his most difficult moments he described how all of this has affected his children, particularly his son who Lance said has been defending him.  It was his son’s mistaken belief in his dad that motivated Armstrong to make a confession to the boy.  Long before the interview was complete the anger had dissolved.  When it was all done I was left with sadness; for the victims, his children; his family; his mother, who Armstrong said is“a wreck” over this; for the colleagues who he bullied; and yes even for Armstrong himself.  Everything he had was all gone, and make no mistake, rightfully so.  In the end I silently wished Lance Godspeed and good luck.    

Reaction in the media and social networks was immediate and most of what I saw cynical. 

“It’s just Lance looking out for Lance.”

“He showed absolutely no remorse.” 

“What a jerk.”

"He's a liar, and it never stops," said Kathy LeMond, whose husband, Greg, won three Tour de France titles and later questioned Armstrong's success. "I don't think he's sorry."

Clearly there's been a sudden population boom up on Mount Pious. 

To those looking for remorse; what were you looking for?  Writhing on the carpet?  Weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth?   I suppose for dramatic effect Lance could’ve committed ritual suicide all over Oprah’s nice carpet.  Would that have been remorseful enough?  It’s amazing that suddenly everyone in the world is a sanctimonious lie detector. 

As for “Lance looking out for Lance?”  Of course he is.  That’s one of the reasons that we come clean; admit doing something wrong and apologize.  It lifts the burden that we carry, helps us get on with our lives and hopefully, makes us better human beings for the experience.  We also do it because it’s the right thing to do.  Was that part of Lance’s motivation?  How can I not believe otherwise?  Not because I'm a gullible fool (and maybe I am) but because I can't look into the man's soul and judge his intentions.  Especially in light of the fact that it was a 150 minute Act of Contrition.  Most of us squirm over having to face a spouse or a friend to issue our admissions of wrong doing and apology.  Armstrong did two segments of prime time in front of a national audience.  

Now I’m not stupid enough to believe that some of the apologies that we see aren’t the cynical off the cuff two or three lines of boilerplate bullshit written by an agent and meant to make the problem just go away.  I’ve seen enough of the “I’m sorry that I got caught,” apologies to know one when I see it.  And who could forget Mark McGwire’s pathetic attempt at an apology for…For what?  We’re still not sure.  Taking steroids for medicinal purposes I suppose.  If you want a “no remorse” statement look no further than Jason Giambi who blathered about “distractions” and ended anticlimactically with "I'm sorry I can't be more candid," Nor did Armstrong’s interview contain the ever popular, “I made a mistake,” as if saying, “I can’t imagine how that syringe full of steroids got stuck in my ass.”

The conspiracy theories about Armstrong’s motivation abound.  How about this one?  He came to an epiphany, saw the damage that he had caused and yes realized that he was finally cornered by the facts.  And so instead of releasing a statement through an agent maybe he decided to make a clean breast of it; make peace with himself, his family and those he wronged.  Maybe, with the overwhelming evidence against him he decided take the long road back to restoring his good name.  This is what people do.  I’ve done it; I hope that you have to.  For my part I take Armstrong’s story, apology and contriteness as genuine.  Who in the hell am I, or anyone else for that matter to do otherwise. 

Beyond the aforementioned reasons Lance faced more risk than reward in detailing his sins.  Anticipating the flurry of lawsuits that he essentially just conceded, Lance had over 100 million reasons to keep quiet and hope this would all go away.  More than 100 million; according to a report on NPR that is about how much Lance (according to Forbes, worth about 100 million dollars) stands to lose once the lawyers get cracking.  Among those with their legal hands out are; SCA Promotions (12 million dollars), the U.S. Government (90 million dollars), The Sunday Times of London (1.5 million dollars) and all of those that Armstrong has sued.  As for USADA lifting the ban?  Don’t look for that soon.  USADA is cloaked in hatred for Lance.  And even if the ban is lifted it will have to run for at least 8 years, at which time Armstrong will be fifty and no longer a viable elite competitor.

For my part I’m not vindictive enough to say the USADA ban should be for a lifetime.  But clearly he has to serve a punishment.  Similarly I was not vindictive enough to say that Michael Vick should never play football again.  Our justice system, our sense of ultimate fair play holds at its core the notion that people deserve a second chance once they have served their time; completed their punishment.  Michael Vick did so and subsequently worked with the Humane Society to prevent the abuse of animals.  But some folks aren't satisfied with that.  He doesn't have his heart in it; he's just doing it to get back into football. Well what do you do with these people?  Deny them their chance at redemption? Toss them out on the street?  Deny them their livelihood?  Just kill them?   

To those who say that they can’t forgive Lance I would respond; “It isn’t YOUR place to forgive him.”  He doesn’t need your forgiveness.  Lose the indignation and relax.  It isn’t worth the energy and it speaks to your (lack of) capacity for compassion.  I don’t know what it is in us that we enjoy watching the rise of “heroes” and then get twice the enjoyment over watching them fall. 

I don’t forgive Lance Armstrong because I don't owe him forgiveness.  I have nothing to forgive him for because he didn’t do anything to me.  He didn’t kill a relative, didn’t assault me in a dark alley, didn’t pick my pocket or insult me or my ancestry.   He perpetrated an athletic hoax that I swallowed; and stupidly I might add.  Am I disappointed?  Certainly.  It was a great story.  One that was too good to be true and we all, Armstrong especially, should have known that.  Everyone is angry at Lance for his lack of fair play.  They carry a grudge that stifles their humanity and their own sense of fair play.  They demanded fair play from Lance, became indignant and now hypocritically refuse to practice fair play themselves.  We debase ourselves to the level of Lance the bully when we ourselves don't practice fair play.

“I can’t lose my way again.”  Lance Armstrong