Armed and Stupid

October 28^th, 1880.  A group of rowdies, loosened up with whiskey and high spirits decided it would be a fine night to shoot their guns into the air.  Fred White, the town marshal didn’t figure that rousting the townies with gunplay was a great idea and so he moved to put a stop to the festivities.  He found one of the men in a vacant lot and confronted him, “I am an officer, give me your pistol.”  White grabbed the barrel of the gun held by Curly Bill Brocious.  When Curly Bill didn’t immediately comply White yelled, “Now you god-damned son of a bitch, give me that gun.  White jerked on the barrel and the gun discharged sending a bullet into White’s groin, the muzzle blast setting his clothing on fire.  Almost immediately Curly Bill was sent to the ground, struck in the head by a pistol wielded by Wyatt Earp.  Two days later Fred White, age 32, died of his wound.  As a result of White’s death, an ordinance was passed by the town council prohibiting the carrying of deadly weapons in Tombstone, Arizona. 

June 2014 and Americans are strutting the streets carrying guns; holstered pistols and long guns (often assault type rifles) slung over their shoulders; they are in wild west parlance “heeled.”  I’d like to say that we’ve come a long way in 134 years – but we apparently haven’t.  In the wake of increasing mass shootings businesses have had to do what lawmakers lack the testicular fortitude to do.  They are banning the carrying of weapons on their premises.  Starbucks, Chilis, Sonic, Jack in the Box and Chipotle have all adopted policies banning the carrying of long guns into their stores.  The latest battleground is Target.  A group called Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense is circulating a petition asking that the store ban the carrying of weapons into their stores after an armed group called Open Carry Texas walked through a store. Could it be that the gun nuts locked on to the name Target and figured this must the place “fer bringin’ yer fowlin’ piece to?”  No Billy Bob, that’s not what they had in mind when they named the place TARGET. 

As I write this I can’t help but shake my head wondering just how in the hell we got to a point in the 21^st century in which a business has to ask that customers not be “heeled” in their stores. What in the blue Pacific would make you want to walk down the sidewalk carrying a gun as if it’s a briefcase or umbrella or walking stick? And so I did some investigating. 

Arkansas Carry has as part of their mission;

Remove the ban on concealed carry in churches and allow churches to decide for themselves.  Establish the ability to possess firearms in employer parking lots.

Remove the authority for public Universities to ban legally carried weapons in campus buildings.  Remove authority for cities to ban concealed carry in municipal parks.

How could I possibly have doubted such deep thinking?

                What priest could possibly find sacrilege in packing a shotgun into God’s house?

                What could an HR director possibly find disturbing about the possibility that the guy he’s going to discipline for harassing that young hot little admin might actually have an AK in his car?

                And after all there haven’t been any shooting incidents on college campuses so students should feel perfectly calm when they see someone on campus carrying a gun.

                I know that when I took my kids to the park to play I wished that I could have a .38 in a shoulder holster under my sweatshirt.  You never know when some punk 8 year old is going to grab your kid’s action figure. 

Part of the Texas Open Carry mission is to condition Texans to feel safe around law-abiding citizens who choose to carry guns.  I think it’s a capital idea for people not to find anything odd about a guy walking down the street in fatigues carrying a loaded rifle.  Once you’re accustomed to all these “heeled” law abiders taking an afternoon stroll you won’t bother the police with those troublesome reports about an armed guy going into the local department store. 

The Alabama Open Carry website states that, Time and time again citizens have shown to be responsible when carrying a firearm.  You know, like those responsible young men at Columbine and Aurora and Sandy Hook and Isla Vista. The group also makes some real solid suggestions.  Among them:

                Law Enforcement Officers and Dispatchers should be trained on open carry calls that come in. Before even dispatching officers they should ask questions and determine if further response is needed. Peaceably openly carrying should not justify sending officers.  Seems perfectly reasonable to me that the dispatcher should thoroughly grill somebody reporting a guy with a gun before sending out an officer.  Take all the time you need.  

Still, and despite all the reasoning coming from the open carry folks I've gotta ask; why in the hell do you want to walk down the sidewalk or into Target with an AR slung across your back?

Wait! I think I know.  It’s because you’re a bunch of fucking hoopleheads.  You’re losers.  Maybe you’re the guy who was bullied in school but since you discovered guns you feel really powerful when you’re strapped.  Just like Wyatt Earp; nobody’s going to fuck with you.  Or maybe God graced you with an overload of testosterone and that’s why you not only carry a gun but you wear those t-shirts emblazoned with skulls or guns or naked women and you also have a gigantic oversized truck even though you’re an accountant that never hauls anything.  Or maybe you walk down the street with a gun because it’s kind of titillating to do something in public that’s a teeny bit naughty.  You get this little, almost sexual, charge out of it.  Kind of like walking down the street naked.  (Here’s how a fellow described his wife’s first open carry (spelling is his), She wrnt into Gamestop by herself while I waited in the car with the baby. She repoted feeling strangr going to town with a gun on her hip, but not a bad feeling. Just yhat awkwardness of not being used to it.).  Just like walking down the street naked.  Maybe your long gun makes you feel better about your itty bitty winkie. 

I've seen pictures of you.  You guys look wacky.  You’re patriot wannabes with your Don’t Tread on Me t-shirts and your threatening signs that say "Come and take it".  You quote from the Federalist but you wouldn't know James Madison from James Stewart and the only part of the Constitution you know is the second amendment and you don’t know that the word militia is included. You drape yourselves in the American flag but you really know nothing about your nation’s history. You probably wanted to join the Navy Seals but you were overweight or out of shape or had a heart murmur or maybe in your heart of hearts you just didn't have the guts to risk joining a group that requires dedication and maniacal training just to earn the privilege of doing dangerous work and getting shot at. So you wear fatigues while you carry your weapon down the street; because it makes you feel - Seal-ish.

   No they don't make me feel safer. 

A couple of years ago we had open carry demonstrations here in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Folks wearing gun belts convened at Starbucks in nearby Walnut Creek; a town where the shopping options includes Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus and Tiffany and Co.  I don’t know why someone would feel the need to be strapped while sipping a latte in the shadow of Macy’s. Maybe because it’s pretty safe and these old boys didn't have enough hair on their balls to be packing for a stroll down International Boulevard in Oakland or to buy a pint of Old Crow at a mom and pop in Richmond’s Iron Triangle; areas which are notorious for gun violence. 

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think in 21^st century America we need to have a bunch of self-important yahoos roaming the streets getting their kicks carrying guns.  They aren’t serving a purpose.  They aren’t making the streets safer; they are at worst making the streets more dangerous and at the very least they are making them intimidating.  They aren’t protecting any rights.  If there’s a 2^nd amendment right to own a gun they aren’t making it any more legitimate by scaring the populace by carrying a shotgun into Target to buy tampons for the wife.  I have the right to practice my religion but I do nothing to further that right by proselytizing to folks at the bus stop.  As much as Mr. or Ms. Gun Nut might be comfortable with guns a lot of people aren’t and they shouldn’t have to be “conditioned” to it as the Texas whackos would like. 

 

Does this give you a feeling of serenity?

This latest open carry debate recalls a couple of years ago when the wife and I went to a kids birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s.  As we entered I noticed a sign on the window by the front door saying that guns are not allowed.  I joked with Cora, “Well that’s nice to know.  You can’t bring a gun into Chuck E. Cheese.”  I remember thinking what a stupid sign it was.  It’s so obvious that you don’t bring a gun into an arcade/pizza parlor that specializes in kids’ birthdays that the sign just seemed ridiculous.  You know, like putting up a sign at the community swim center prohibiting cement swim fins.  Obviously I was wrong.  There is a certain category of simpleton in America that has to be told that it isn't alright to bring your loaded Glock with you when you go out to have a couple of martinis and a steak and a good cab at Morton’s.  Amazingly Alabama Open Carry disagrees.  That organization feels that a business should not be allowed to refuse service to someone wearing a gun.  Really? 

Here’s how I feel about it.  I’m going to be going down to my local Target store where the wife shops every week and to help me make my point I’m going to bring her Target card with me.  I’m going to speak with the manager and tell him that unless Target makes it national policy to prohibit the carrying of guns in their stores, they will be receiving their card back in numerous pieces and they won’t be seeing me or my wife in their store anymore.  I would urge anyone else with the teeniest shred of common sense to do likewise.  When Target management passes this feedback up the chain of command the boys at corporate will take notice. 

All of this has got me to wondering if maybe Darwin’s theory of evolution is being debunked by America.  We’re 134 years since Curly Bill shot Fred White and it doesn't seem like the needle on the evolutionary meter has budged.  If anything it’s gone backwards. 

Postscript: I'd pretty much decided it was wasted effort to post about guns. That's until a friend found herself at a memorial for a slain student at Isla Vista. It's until I saw images of fools in fatigues or draped in the flag carrying guns and claiming America for themselves.